so instead of impressing my political or social views upon those of you who (silently) read my blog, I thought I would wax poetic about some more personal musings...
A Battle of One is an apt title for my tale of internal conflict, or anyone's internal conflict really, but since I'm the one writing I get the title. So where to begin? I've thought this post out several times trying to find the most eloquent words to use, but when it comes to actually writing most of those go right out the window. So lets try this approach...
Once upon a time a teacher told me that I was an "under achiever". A high school student at the time I scoffed at this and said to myself "what do they know?"and thought to dismiss the comment without a second thought. Being a whole 17 years of age it was easy to be haughty and dismissive. "Under-achiever" was in some ways a badge of honor because, well, I could be an over-achiever if I tried, right? Well no... er... maybe...
Needless to say this comment has stuck with me for a good decade and never fails to make me cringe. I think I have experienced the 5 Stages of Grief with this title. Denial in that well I could do whatever I wanted all I had to do was do it. Anger at the teacher for being so blunt. Bargaining with the "well, I'm still young so I can take time now and later I'll get down to business". Depression with "I'm just not good enough"- and finally Acceptance. Yes, I AM an Under-Achiever... but acceptance wasn't the end. Instead all those bubbling passions have taken root and are forcing their way to the surface... this is where the conflict begins.
I never thought in a million years that I would want to be an academic. If you had asked me 15 years ago what I wanted to do with my life I probably would have told you "be a singer" or "an actress"-something in the performance arts or entertainment field. But while I still would love to play to a crowd of several thousand adoring fans, my direction has matured. I don't remember when but at one point I said to myself, "I want to take in this marvelous body of knowledge and then... I want to add to it". In a previous post I mentioned never wanting to be just another face in the crowd. That is true. I have never felt that I was destined for the rigmarole of average, forgettable life. For many years I have had a sense of a "calling" to something greater, something that means something. Now, maybe I'm deluded and what I'm feeling is merely indigestion, but in my gut I don't think that's the case. Ask me what it is that I'm called to do and I can't tell you. My journey is incomplete... but that is not the point of this post.
Some days more than others I go through a battle of wits. I struggle with my natural inclination to be an under-achiever, while the monster of ambition fumes and fusses under the surface. I question my goals. I question my motives. I question my current undertakings. I question my thinking. It's a fight that, so far, ambition has been winning. Maybe everyone experiences this battle. I can't say because I am not everyone. What I have come to believe is that those who are experiencing this battle and are allowing under-achievement to win are doing so out of fear. Ambition is scary. Potential is scary. Pushing the envelope that has your life in it every single day is scary. Not to mention that it is hard and exhausting.
What I have now come to understand is this: When things get difficult and/or when I start questioning if what I am pursuing is what I really want... that is when I am growing. That is when I know that I am doing the right thing... because really, what is the alternative? Do I give up my educational and professional dreams because it's hard, because I'm uncomfortable, because the social, economic and political climate isn't ideal... ok, then what? Find a 9 to 5 that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted, barely making ends meet (because I pursued a degree in the humanities... lord forbid!), and unhappy? No... that does not sound like a good way to spend my time. I would rather struggle. I would rather be uncomfortable. I would rather keep a positive view of the future than allow myself to fall back into the throes of mediocrity.
I have a mantra: Change is Inevitable, Personal Growth is Optional.
I repeat this to myself when things get tough or when I question my goals. Usually following this mantra is a quote, "A life lived in fear is a life half lived"- an old Spanish proverb which is usually the nail in the current coffin of self-doubt... that and I remember that each day is a gift, a fresh start with no mistakes in it. When I went back to school it was to ensure that one day long down the road I would not wake up and regret not taking that leap. I remind myself of that. Why I do what I do and continue to do it. It helps when I get the time to talk to someone about my goals and the fire and drive uncontrollably bubbles up out of me. Positive reinforcement at its finest.
And so... the battle rages on. Day after day, year after year. But, the pursuit, the chase, the struggle is what human existence is about isn't it? Some days I let under-achievement win. I let the idea of returning to endeavors that do not stimulate me mull about... but in the end I think my Ambition will get the best of me... and that is something worth fighting for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egY8rUpxqcE
No comments:
Post a Comment