Memories...

Its funny what the human mind is capable of, especially in the memory department.  How even years later you can still recall a certain smell, taste or feel of something.  What is odd, to me at least, are the things we remember.  That we still remember the bad along with the good, that smells are the things that jog memories the most, and how at the strangest times a memory will come flooding back completely unexpected.

Over the last month or so I have had a drudging up of some memories that aren't particularly old but are significant.  April will mark one year since my life changed abruptly and I'm finding now that as I near that date I am reliving some of those experiences again through memory.  My understanding of this is that I never really let myself think about or feel what had happened.  In a sense I guess I shut down and did what I had to do in order to get through it.  Now that its been almost a year I'm finding that I'm ready to process the information and move past it. I think that this process or need for processing is why I've had some crazy apocalyptic dreams lately.  The emotional and stressful under-current is finally surfacing and forcing me to deal with it subconsciously as well as in real time.  Crazy dreams of monster tsunamis that I can't run from, or ambiguous earthquakes with really bright colors, or ominous characters that bring a sense of foreboding that carries into my waking hours.  Every time I have one of these dreams it takes me a while to shake it off, and couple I haven't been able to shake off yet.   Its apparent to me that my psyche is telling me that there is something I need to deal with.  Often its not so much the images my mind is creating but the feelings being generated.  Feelings of fear, doubt, uncertainty, helplessness and aloneness.  Considering this past year it all makes sense, and now is the time to "deal with it".

In fact the need to "deal with it" is part of why I decided to write this blog.  The other part is to get my story out there, relate my struggles, my experiences. From what I've learned and dealt with in my life, its many joys and challenges, it's my hope that by telling my story others can find the strength, support and inspiration to do what they need to do in their lives.

So anyway... its late and I must sleep, but I will continue with "the story" soon.