Not just another face in the crowd...

That is my hope.  I've never wanted to be just another person, just another face in the crowd.  I've always wanted to be more than "average", yet as I grow older I wonder if I will ever attain that goal.  I have a favorite quote that makes me contemplate this, its a Spanish Proverb that says:
                                          "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."   
And I think about that and try to see how and where I am afraid and why that is so.  I think that many people, maybe even most people, are afraid of their own potential.  Perhaps it is human nature that drives us to stay within our comfort zones.  We all have them and we all cater to them at one time or another.

Still... the drive to not just be a "regular Joe" makes me feel... uneasy.  I look at my life and its a good life.  Sure I'm not rich, sure there are many things that I need (ie. a car!) or would change if I could, but overall I think I have it pretty good.  Why is that?  A lot of it depends on my perspective.  I look at everything from a positive point of view.  I give my parents full credit for instilling the power of positive thinking in me.  And what a power it is! To the point where I've had people try to insult me with statements like "you can find the silver-lining in anything" or "you're so positive its unrealistic". Insults?  I think not.

But, on my weak days, which I have like anyone, I feel the stress of what my life is:
I'm a single parent. I am a full-time single parent.  I'm a full-time student.  I have an ex-husband who betrayed me in the worst way.  I'm a New York transplant to San Diego with very little family here.  I am so busy most of the time that I find it hard to maintain any close friendships or create new ones and therefore feel a lack of a support network that I have enjoyed at other times in my life.  I'm poor.  My credit is (currently) ruined.  I struggle with body-image issues and self-discipline.  I'm lonely.  I often times feel that I have no support system.  I've been through lay-offs, unemployment, welfare, repossession, jail, legal battles, marriage and divorce all within the last 3 years.  Lots of times I fluctuate between feelings of lonesomeness, stress, fear and total helplessness. And as graduation comes ever nearer I struggle with questions of what will I do, where will I go and where do I belong in this world?

But...



I hit the ground running every day.  I hit it and I run, and I run and I don't look back.  At least not too often.  And when I get those negative feelings I put them aside and look at what I DO have:
I have two wonderful kids who I love more than anything!  I'm a smart, successful student.  I have wonderful friends and family, even if they aren't here or I don't see them very often.  I have been blessed with good health, a sense of humor and the ability to take everything given to me in-stride.  I have had a lot of help in the last year that without it I probably wouldn't have survived and I am forever grateful to those who were there for me then. I make the best out of what I DO have. I hold myself to a high standard and because of that failure is not an option. I do not view myself as an over-achiever but I do acknowledge my ambition and aim to maintain a balance in my life because that is what works best.  And every day I am grateful for my ability to find that silver-lining.

So maybe I already am more than average, or maybe its not a matter of average versus above-average.  I truly believe that we create our own happiness, our own stability and our own measure for accomplishment.  My journey is not done, so my need to accomplish more seems to be valid enough.  For now.