From Jail to Forgiveness: A Year in Review

For most people April 23rd is just another spring day, but for me, this year, it marked the end to a very challenging and life changing year.  By writing this down it is my intent to finally close the book on this chapter of my life, I have spent enough of my time dealing with the issues of this last year and it now the time has come to go forward.  I must cry my final tears of grief over this situation and put it neatly away on the bookshelf of my life.

If you have ever been accused of something you didn't do and had punishment inflicted on you for it, then you can understand what I'm about to relate.  After years of trying to make a relationship work that just wasn't meant to work, my ex-husband and I decided to separate towards the end of 2009.  Because of economic reasons we had decided to stay living together until we could figure things out.  It was my thought, and plan, that come the end of the school year for both he and I and our daughter that we would finally move apart.  In the interim he and I distanced ourselves from each other's lives.  It was a difficult thing to do since we still had to live with each other and have so much history together; but after years of tolerating many things I didn't agree with, I knew that it was the right choice.  So did he.  This was something I believed to be a mutual agreement between us. When I started spending more time away from home because that was where he was, he supported it.  Told me that it helped him to better "deal with me", and in fact it did make life easier.  Looking back now I should have moved out as soon as possible, should not have let fear dictate my life.  But I did, and I told myself over and over again as the warning signs surfaced that "it would be fine" that we "had an agreement" that it would "all blow over".  At the time I didn't realize that there was something coming, I was clueless.  And why wouldn't I be?  When we decided that it was time to end our relationship it was with the the intent to remain friends and parent together as we always had.  Despite our differences and our troubles this was still the person I trusted most in the world.  I may not have liked him very much at times, but still, after 7+ years and 2 children I trusted him.  That was until the night of April 23, 2010.



I cannot describe in words what I felt when I saw the flash lights around my bedroom door, nor at realizing that those flashlights belonged to two sheriff's deputies.  I cannot adequately put into words the shock and emotions that ran through my mind as they patted me down, handcuffed me, and questioned me.  I do remember wanting so badly to start crying while the deputy took down my information, put me in the squad car and drove away from my home, but I couldn't.  I was too shocked to have any tears.  All that was running through my mind what "what?!". I had been told that I had physically assaulted my husband by scratching him and then threw a knife at him.  I had also been told that we had been arguing over money and it was during that argument that I "snapped and became violent".  I was told by one of the deputies at the jail where I was taken that I had two felony charges against me: assault with a deadly weapon and battery.   I was in shock.  Complete shock.

Over and over I have ran that night through my head.  Over and over I have wondered what would have happened if I had made other plans that night.  I still wonder if the same thing would have happened on a different night if I had.  And that is what gives me the creeps. When you are in jail you have nothing better to do than think and that was what I did.  What I realized is that the events of that evening had been premeditated.  The fact that it was Friday so I would spend two extra days awaiting arraignment, the type of charges brought against me, felonies are less likely to be ignored and/or dismissed, if anything they are  demoted to misdemeanors, the actions before, during and after I was in jail.  So many things, so many details and still I wonder at "why"?  Why would he do this to me?  I still can only speculate, but at this point I find it fruitless to do that.  I will never really know what caused him to do this, nor will I know the full extent of the planning that went into his actions.  All I do know is that 1) I didn't do it, did not raise a finger, raise my voice nor argue with him and 2) that is was planned.  I know the second thing because of three things:  he compared finger nail lengths with me, asked me if I had used a certain knife that was in the sink and made a phone call from outside the house.  None of those things struck me as all that strange until after the fact.  To this day to think about it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.

While in jail I learned several things.  One, that jail is the most horrible place in the world.  If you could see its energy it would be black goo seeping out of the walls consuming people.  It is an environment that breeds negativity and drowns hope.  Secondly I learned that our system of "innocent until proven guilty" does not exist.  You are guilty until proven innocent.  And lastly, that despite horrible surroundings and a sickening sense of betrayal, some one above was looking out for me.  I realized that from the people I met, mainly my cell mates.  It seems like a cliche to say that criminals know criminals, but it is true.  These girls took one look at me and said "you're an innocent, you shouldn't be here".   They gave me hope when I told them my story by saying "you'll get out, don't worry, they will send you home".   I am grateful to those girls for their support and kind words, and for watching my back.  God knows what I felt and how much I cried.  It was excruciating closing my eyes at night and seeing my children's' faces.  My babies.  My poor babies.  Where were they?  What were they being told?  What would happen when I saw them again?  The emotional pain I felt is beyond words.  My heart broke each and every day I was in there.   I ate only enough to keep myself from shaking or passing out.  I spent most of my time sleeping or reading (another thank you to one of my cell mates) just to try to make the time pass faster.  It was just terrible.  To be in a place with no idea what was going on in the outside world, or why you were put there, and what would happen after.

Thankfully for me I only stayed the five days.  Not like five days in jail is something to laugh off, its a long time, but from the charges against me I could have been there much longer.  In a way it is a good thing that Domestic Violence is such a common occurrence.   The people who deal with those cases (ie. judges, attorneys, etc) know what's legit and what's not when they see it.  I was released with no charges being filed against me, although the state did reserve the right to change their mind and press charges for the next year.  A time period that is now over. <sigh>

Still the relief of being released did not prepare me for what lay ahead.  In a way jail was the easy part.  After I was released I returned home, with a deputy as an escort, to collect a few personal items (I had been arrested in my pajamas), clothes, my wallet, cell phone, etc. I also wanted to see and take my children with me.  When I got home I found my husband studying with a friend, totally normal so it seemed, until I went to my room to collect some belongings.  All of it was gone.  Everything.  All my clothes, my books, my bathroom toiletries, everything.  The only thing that remained was my wallet which only had my debit card and driver's license in it, everything else had been removed.  I asked about the whereabouts of my things and was told "I don't know, you'e been moving them out to whoever you've been seeing for the last month"... that was news to me, especially considering that I was arrested from that location, in my pajamas.   I left the house in shock, almost hyperventilating. The realization that I had nothing, had been left with nothing, not even a toothbrush, was overwhelming.

I spent that first night with my sister and the following day trying to make sense of things and trying to figure out what to do.  I found out that because of my arrest that a lot of people were automatically inclined to favor my husband.  One attorney I talked to had me in tears when she accused me of making everything up.  "Why would he do that? It doesn't make sense" she said and when I couldn't give her a "good enough" reason she accused me of lying to her.  To make matters worse my sister's roommate told her that she didn't want me staying there.  Why?  From what I was told it was because she was afraid that my husband would come searching for me there and she feared her safety. Thank God for the person who did take me in and help me through the next few months.  I really do not know where I would be today if it wasn't for them.  They helped me do some damage control, which turned into a blessing when I was put in contact with an advocate group. With that group I was able to start the process of getting my life on track.

Over the next few months I went through a rather nasty custody battle and divorce.  It began with my husband getting a restraining order against me and with this kept my kids from me until we went to court.  Thanks to the advocate and their in-house attorney I was able to provide the right paperwork and evidence I needed to get the order altered.  While I didn't receive custody then, because of a lack of housing, I did get visitation. That day.  Seeing my kids for the first time in a month was a joyous experience for all of us.  I was just as excited as they were, but totally saddened when my daughter asked me if they were going to stay with me now.  It was heartbreaking trying to explain to her that for now they couldn't, but hopefully soon.  But being able to hold my babies was the best thing in the world.  Even before the craziness broke out, the only thing that kept me returning to the home I shared with my ex-husband was my children.  I would miss them every second I was away, but I just could not bear to be around their dad any more than necessary.

After court, I took the necessary steps to find a place of my own and become stable again.  During this first month I also completed my final semester at community college and was able to accept UCSD's offer of admission.  I worked with my advocate and made sure to file and submit any and all documents the court needed for each step of the process leading up to the next court date. I filed for divorce and got that squared away. My husband and I had to undergo a Mediation meeting in order to come up with a parenting plan, but because we did not agree it came down to the mediator to put in place a recommendation for the court.  A week prior to court I received a phone call from CPS (they had been involved since the beginning) informing me that the upcoming court date had been removed from the calendar.  Their concern was regarding custody, by that time they were in support of me having custody and wanted to make sure that it was addressed in court.  I called the mediator and found out that their report was ready and I questioned them about the court date and was again told that it wasn't on the calendar.  Unbeknownst to me, my husband had dropped the restraining order he had against me.  Once I knew it explained his increased communication with me.   What changed things for me though was when he sent me a picture of my driveway, a place that I had not informed him I had moved to since I had every intention of keeping my distance, I called the sheriff and asked what to do, they said get a restraining order.  I talked to my advocate and the attorney, they said get a restraining order.  I got a restraining order and attached the custody recommendation to it.   A new date was put on the calendar.  I also took care of the final paperwork for the divorce so that it would be finalized.

Thankfully all my hard work and perseverance paid off. Court was a success and I was granted a restraining order and had a custody order made.  My primary concern was custody. Without an order the authorities have no means to make a call when it comes to disputes.  Given the circumstances the restraining order was good measure, especially after I realized that he had found out where I lived.  Things definitely started looking up.  Once the judge ruled on our dissolution I focused on school and held my breath until December when the divorce was final.  After that it was as if another weight was lifted.  During this whole battle I was gaining a sense of relief and having weights lifted off me as I fought for my new life.  I kept my mouth shut and only said what was necessary and avoided contact with any of my ex-husband's supporters.  My conflict was with him and not them and still is.

The aftermath of last spring and summer's events was positive, at least for me and the kids.  We were able to move and have our own place.  I have been able to restore the stability that they had been accustom to for the majority of their lives.  Our standard of living has improved on many levels and any areas where we are "lacking" is material.  I have worked hard to establish a consistent environment and schedule for all of us which in turn has done nothing but good for the kids.  They know they are safe, stable, loved and free to be themselves.   There are a few areas that we are still improving upon, mostly in the realm of trust.  I really can't blame them for not being as trusting as they once were.  They were hurt badly by someone they loved.  I feel their pain since I too suffer from the same problem.  Yet, our little family is moving ever forward, ever better, ever happier and ever reaching new goals.

Still a few things about the last year bother me from time to time. Mostly it is in those who have continued to support my ex-husband and his endeavors despite, what I see, as increasing proof of the lies he told and the drama he caused.  Many of the people supporting him said and wrote very hurtful things about me, things that were true only according to the story he told them.  I do not fault them for supporting him, in many cases it was understandable why they would.  After all how could any one on the outside truly know what went on between us for those 7+ years.  Relationships are complicated matters and the only people who really know what is there and what isn't are those in that relationship.  Still it amazes me even now how I could do so much for him for so long and in the end he sold me out, betrayed me and labeled me a "bad person, bad mother" because it was what suited him.  All the while he was projecting his actions on to others, me in this case. Whatever he accused me of (ie. cheating, lying to the court) is what he was actually doing.  Yet if karma exists then those who have wronged others unjustly will get their comeuppance.

For the last year I have mourned the loss of my life.  I have mourned the loss of sentimental items and pictures that are now gone. I have mourned the family I once had. I have mourned the dreams that died with that family. And I have mourned the loss of a person who I loved so dearly for so long.  Yet from all the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal, the frustration, the anger and the fear, I have found strength.  What the whole nasty business taught me was something that I knew yet was too afraid to act on. I do not need him and am better off without him. I am strong, resilient, smart and beautiful. I am worthwhile and have value.  I had to re-realize my talents and abilities and believe in myself.  For so many years I lost sight of that.

Though it is sad that the dreams and hopes I had for my family are gone, it really is not a loss since they have now been replaced with new ones.  I look at my children and see how much they've grown both physically and emotionally.  I see how happy they are and that makes me happy.  While I am sad that they no longer have a father, I do not mourn the ill-effects that their father would have had on them if they had been left in his care.  And while some may think that that is a terrible thing to say I would ask them to be objective and look for what is actual reality in the situation and not what is subjective reality.  "The proof is in the pudding" you could say.

And now a word about forgiveness.  In general I do not believe in holding grudges or holding on to anger.  It takes too much energy is and is unproductive in most cases.  Yet for the majority of this last year I have held on to this anger and sadness as a reminder and a motivator.  Now as a year has passed I am able to begin forgiving this person who wronged me so badly.  This does not mean that I wish to hash out a friendship with him or to welcome him back into my life, but for the sake of my own well being and that of my children, I am ceasing to hold resentment towards him.  My life is my own as it should have been years ago.  I am happy where I am and I am excited for the future.  While this whole situation sucked in more ways than one, I am choosing to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  I may have never regained myself if these events had not taken place.  So keeping that in mind I am grateful that they did.

Now, I can close the book.



(*just a note that should be obvious, but in case it's not:  these events are of course much more elaborate and there is always more to the story, but for the sake of time I am only retelling the relevant ones but doing so with the upmost honesty. Also I wish to express my gratitude for those who were there for me during this time but I did not allude to them. You know who you are and I want to tell you Thank You for your friendship and love.  I also am choosing to leave names out of this since it is a public forum)