Self-Esteem and Body Image

We live in a very individualistic culture and because of that how we see ourselves is very important.  Self-esteem and body image are both things that many people obsess over, and as much as I try to deny it, I do too.  As kids we don't really think about ourselves in the same way as we do as teenagers and adults.  For example as a kid, my biggest concerns were that I didn't get to have name brand stuff like many of my school mates or that I wasn't growing boobs by the 5th or 6th grade like other girls. Then as a teen I was a teeny-tiny 100lb thing, I could eat enough for 4 people and not gain a pound, my clothes were so small that a friend once referred to them as "doll clothes",  and I was continually being told how cute and little I was. And I took all the positive for granted.  For me I was never good enough, never "hot enough", didn't have the flattest abs or best physique.  Boys didn't like me like they did other girls.  My nose was too big.  My chest was too small.  My hair wasn't pretty enough... and on and on and on.  Superficial and ridiculous.  But have I really changed all that much as an adult?

Probably not.



When I got pregnant with my daughter at 21, I didn't think about AFTER having a baby.  I had never struggled with weight issues and never thought I would even though I had put on a good 15 lbs since leaving my teen years, I chalked it up to "getting my adult body".  Then after going through a difficult pregnancy that resulted in my daughter being born 12 weeks early, I still didn't think about weight issues when I dropped all but 5 lbs in the following weeks.  But then... I start putting it back on and by the time I got pregnant with my son, 9 months later, I was a good 20 to 25 lbs heavier.  Not much for some people but when you are 5'2", every pound shows, especially when you've been used to being little.  The day before my son was born I tipped the scale at 180 lbs.  Crazy!  But this was with a baby in my belly.  A few weeks after giving birth I was around 162 lbs... and that was where I stayed, for a little over 3 years.

Finally in the summer of 2008 I got a wake up call.  It was a really dramatic summer and thanks to that the little switch finally switched in my head.  I can't say that I started losing weight in a healthy way, because I didn't.  I started out not eating for about a week or so then resumed by eating very very little.  I was so stressed out at that point that I didn't care what I was doing to myself.  But about a month later when I saw that I had lost about 10 lbs that changed things.  I kept with the low calorie diet, and with going back to school that fall, that upped my activity level with all the walking I had to do.  So in roughly 3 months I went from 162 lbs to approximately 135 lbs.

(the first pic is from December 2007 the second October 2008)

After that I dropped another 5 lbs then started hitting the gym in 2009.   My goal has been to reach 120, since after having 2 babies and now being an adult I don't think it is healthy for me to return to the 100 -105 range I was in as a teenager.   By the end of 2009 I was 8 lbs away from that goal at 128 lbs.  One of my favorite stories from that time period was from a friend I had not seen in over a year.  He said that while at the gym he was checking out this "hot blonde across the gym... then she started walking towards me... I didn't realize it was you until you were a couple feet away."   I love this story since it marks a moment of triumph for me.  This was someone who had only known me when I was heavy so dropping 35 lbs made a huge difference in my appearance.   One of my other favorite remarks was from a couple of old friends of mine who said "you look like you again".  That meant a lot and made me think about all those years I wasted not taking care of myself. 

Of course this is a story about my struggles with my body image.  So, while I looked fantastic at 128, I was still trying to get to my goal of 120.  Then life happened.  Or to put it less delicate terms: shit happened.  My life started throwing me through a loop emotionally with the realization that my marriage was over and I was ready to be out of that relationship; but the big kicker was when life through me for a loop when I lost my car.  After years of managing to hold on to it after being laid off, I finally lost it to repossession.  That sucked BIG time, because to me that car symbolized my freedom.  To come and go as I pleased or needed to, got me to the gym where I could run out my stress on the treadmill, got me to school where I was working to better myself and got me out of the house and away from my husband after we decided to separate but remain in the same household.   So after that happened I started putting the pounds back on.  When I was arrested in April (see previous blog), I weighed in at 142 lbs.  Ugh! So not happy with that.  Of course they don't weigh you on the way out so I while I know I dropped down a few while in there I'm not sure how much.  Maybe 5 lbs I'd say.  After making it through last summer and getting situated at UCSD, I paid a visit to the doctor and weighed in at 150 lbs!  That right there made me cringe.  I was only 12 lbs off of where I had started back in 2008, and I did NOT want to get back there again.  

So far, so good.  While I'm still a good 20 lbs off of my goal weight (I'm currently hanging around 140-142), I have managed to lose the extra baggage I took on over the summer.  Of course one of the running jokes between some friends and I is that I lost 200 lbs last year. <insert rim shot here>  

But I'm still struggling.  I struggle with food and my relationship with it.  I have a BAD junk food addiction that I have to fight against.  Years of bad eating habits as a teenager I have to combat.  Also my tendency to just give up when I get too stressed out.  I've said "f*ck it" too many times after a stressful week and gorged myself on fast food and sweets.  All these things can be my worst nightmare when they collide.   And then there's the self-esteem issues.  Not to say that I have low self-esteem per say, but I know that my self image has been damaged by years of abuse.   A lot of what contributed to the end of my marriage was that I had begun to value myself again.  I had lost a bunch of weight that had served as a physical  representation of the issues I was carrying around, the lies I told myself, the abuse I took in the name of someone I loved.  I had dealt with years of being told by the person I loved the most that I wasn't good enough, that I was worthless or that "people wondered" at why he was "with such a fat person". When I lost the weight I started to value myself again, of course it helped that I started getting hit on when I was out with friends, but the biggest thing was that I started to find Me again. 

Nowadays my battle is different, sure I'm still fighting old demons, and probably will for many years to come, but now I'm fighting to find balance in my new life.  Stress is the biggest culprit.  Its easy to burn out when you are full-time mom and full-time student at the same time, and even easier when most days its just you handling both roles 100%.  Many times my plate is so full that I just top it off with bad eating habits because I'm a stress eater and food makes me feel better. When its not stress then its just the battle to love me for myself no matter what size I am, yet still find a means to push myself to attain my physical goals.  I know I'm a far cry from some people out there fighting a weight battle, but essentially the issues are the same.  As people we struggle with self image, we struggle with feelings of inadequacy, we struggle with who we are and what it means to love ourselves and we struggle with the scars of what others have done to us.  The human mind is a crazy place! 

So here I am writing this as a sort of therapy.  Maybe by putting into words will help keep me honest and on the right track.  This last week I've done good... trying to take a different approach to my goal.  Lots of times we fail because we try to do TOO much at once.  I've found through trial and error that the best way for me to succeed is to take it a bit at a time.  Get my diet under control, then I can add in some awesome workouts... that's not to say that I don't exercise at all.  I try to take advantage of every opportunity I have during the day to be active.  I walk my kids to school in the morning, thats 3 miles a day right there, I bike to and from school and I walk everywhere on campus, and I mean walk, not meander not stroll, walk and walk quickly.  It helps that most days I only have 10 minutes between classes and that UCSD's campus is so big!  Sure I'm going to have lazy days or days when I just really really really want that cheeseburger, fries and a shake.  I need to accept those and allow some wiggle room.  Which really is my diet philosophy.  I don't deny myself my favorite food, I just deny myself a huge portion of said food. 

And that is where we are today... 20 to 25 lbs to go until my goal weight.  Maybe I'll lose another 10 lbs and find that I'm ok there, or maybe I'll get to 120 and decide to give myself some Madonna-esque arms and abs. We shall see.  A new friend said to me the other day: "I think of my body as a science experiment."  I like that, because it reinforces the idea of trial and error in one's own goals but also that everyone is different and the same thing doesn't necessarily work for 2 different people.  The important thing is that you do it for yourself and you do it right.