Relationships

Been thinking a lot about relationships lately... So this is just some of my random thought process in words.  Why?  Because its a fascinating subject. One that is both very personal and very general at the same time.  So much "relationship advice" can cover the majority of relationships.  Communicate. Be Honest. Give and Take Equally. Be Good to Each Other.  And so on and so forth, and its advice applicable across the board whether a romantic bond, a friendship, a familial association, many have the same kind of traits and same kind of rules.  But the one that fascinates me the most, as it probably does most people, is the romantic one.

I just marvel at the extent of people to "need" another person.  To feel needed, to feel wanted.  So much so that you see expressions of desire to points where its either super disgusting or ridiculously pathetic.  Teenagers seem to demonstrate both these things far exaggeratedly, especially on Facebook with their lamenting words like: "Oh I can't stop thinking of you. I NEED you.", "I can't live without you I miss you so much", etc... I just wonder at where this need, this desire comes from to have someone there.  Why do we feel it?  Because we all do, some of us more than others.  But, my big question is: is it really necessary? Do we really need to have someone to "complete" us?  Can't we be complete on our own?  Wouldn't that be better anyway?



These are questions I ask myself as I come to terms with things in my life.  As I age and watch my children grow and develop into little people, I wonder what "voids" they may have emotionally and if that will drive them into a relationship based on emotional issues.  As a parent you don't want your children to go "incomplete" into the world.  Being who I am I want my children to be well rounded individuals who don't feel the "need" to "complete" themselves with another person.  I want them to want to be with someone because they "want" to not because they "need" to.  If that makes sense.

But day in and day out I marvel at the human psyche.  What makes people do the things they do?  Why do some people need someone so bad that they manipulate, belittle and abuse them just to gain control?  Why do people want to control others in the first place?  Why do we stay in bad situations just because we are "afraid of being alone"?  Aren't we ultimately alone anyway?  Why do we settle?  Why do we seek someone to provide for us in one way or another?  Are we not capable of providing for ourselves?

The idea of being incomplete without another person, without "the right one" or even the "right now" just baffles me.  At times it disgusts me.  Sure I have no room to talk, I spent 8 years in a bad relationship with an abusive partner.  Someone who preyed on my naiveté, compassion, work ethic, ambition and general niceness and used it to control and berate me so as to feel better about himself.  But still... despite, or perhaps because of that I fight against any "human instincts" to settle down with Mr. Right Now, though I've had the opportunity.  Personally I think there is more to come from two people who come together as complete wholes.  Who are not searching for themselves. Who are at terms with the events and "baggage" in their lives. Who are not disgruntled with men, or women, or the human race in general.  Who know that despite the comfort, joy and love experienced in a relationship, that they are in fact complete, sound, well rounded individuals who can accomplish anything with or without a significant other.

I've seen friends go from relationship to relationship, never taking the time to get to know themselves.  Never learning who they are because they feel so "lonely" or just "need someone there".  I've seen some who want out of their marriages or other relationships but continually make excuses why they stay.  "Right now isn't a good time."  "Next year will be better because..."  "He didn't mean it when he hit me."  "The kids need us to stay together."  On and on and on... I can relate to some of this because I have experienced the fear that kept me where I was.  But the question is, once we realize that fear why don't we get out?  Or in other cases that keep us constantly searching for the "next best thing", why don't we realize that maybe its time to get to know ourselves before we try to be a companion to another person?

We are all damaged, altered, affected, shaped, etc by our life's experiences.  How we are raised, where we are raised, who we are raised with/by, what happens to us at what point in life, what doesn't happen to us; all these things mold the people we are.  Its is a marvelous thing that we are all so different, but we all suffer from the same things.

The Bible will tell you that to truly be Christlike you must live like Christ, and part of that means without a spouse, yet at the same time there are allowances made because of the difficulty of this condition.  Of course, I don't particularly subscribe to the Bible and its teachings, but just in the fact that it takes the time to note that people, for the most part, cannot live a life completely like Christ because they need that comfort of another person.  Of course what some of this is saying is that people can't not have sex with each other.  To me this is a whole different ball game.  Sex and Love are two completely different things and are not necessarily connected, nor should they always be.  Of course to get me started on the topic of Sex as it pertains to this culture is a completely different tangent including the question of: why are we so obsessed with it on every level?

So this need for human companionship in a romantic sense I really don't think any of us can answer.  For my own life I will seek to be content with myself and who I am, what I want, where I'm going and what I'm capable of sans that "significant other".  Finding him is just a bonus.  But for others I would encourage them to get better acquainted with who they are before desperately seeking Mr. or Ms. Right.  Just like how Two Wrongs don't make a Right, Two Incomplete People do not make a Complete Person.

But this is all subjective and also one of the reasons why I don't study Psychology.  I believe it would drive me INSANE to have to deal with the human mind on any kind of deep level... after all, I like cats but I don't want to live alone with 30 of them.