I've been thinking about writing for a while now. Thinking about what to write and what to put out there and what not to... so anyway here goes.
They say all good things must come to an end. Well, I believe it. Watching tonight's series finale of "Desperate Housewives" (a show I swore I'd never watch then got hooked on this season... damn you TV drama!) inspired me to sit down and write. That and the fact that I'm not very tired and my belly is still full from our Mother's Day BBQ... but I digress... the point is that no matter what, everything changes or comes to an end.
Some things we are grateful to have end. Some changes are supremely difficult but have happier endings than we could have ever anticipated. Others leave us wishing for life as it was before. And some remain unclear until the last moment when they blossom into a new adventure. Still, no matter what the case time will march forward and the past will become a memory. Funny thing time... the older I get the more profoundly I feel it...
Well now you are probably thinking to yourselves "what in the world is your point?" or "what the hell are you talking about?"... well, the end of one "era" is coming to a close for me. In a few short weeks I will be graduating. Exciting? Yes. Ready for something new? Definitely. Scared? Hell yes. For the last 4 years I have put an immense amount of energy and effort into attaining my Bachelor's degree and in a few short weeks I will have it, 2 in fact. I am super jazzed about it, but at the same time the uncertainty of the future ... well... torments me.
This is the first time in 4 years that I haven't had a "what's next for the year" plan. The first time I haven't registered for summer or fall classes or looking at what I have left to take or do to complete my degree. Its done. All I have to do is pass my current course load and BAM, welcome to degree holder status! Sure, I had that dip into "crazy-land" back in 2010, but since then I've been powering forward, jumping over new hurdles ever since. And I SHOULD feel proud and accomplished and excited. I completed a Bachelor's degree in 4 years, something that is becoming increasingly hard to do. And when I saw that I was on track once I transfered, I took on a whole other major on top of it and will still be finishing under the average time of 2 years and a Quarter that it usually takes transfers to complete one degree. Incredible! Awesome! but... I'm having a hard time feeling those positive feelings.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but ever since March I've had a mild case of it. I know there are people who suffer greatly from anxiety, have panic attacks and are, at times, completely unable to function. I am fortunate that what I've been dealing with is at worse a case of "internal hyperventilating" or the occasional crying fit. Thankfully I still have most of my wits about me and I do because I know its only temporary. The uncertainty of the future will change. A path will emerge. A new plan will form. I will be OK. That is my comfort when things get bad. I just wish that the interim was easier to deal with.
The media doesn't help at all. Oh woe is me for me majoring in History and Sociology. Finding a job is going to be "beyond difficult" if I listen to reports. I "should" have majored in engineering. Or math. Or organic bio-chemistry. Annnything BUT a Humanities and Social Science degree.... because, as our media will tell you, those areas of study are now considered "worthless". Oh if only the great minds of the past could see us now how sad they'd be. The subjects that universities were originally founded on now being forced out and labeled a "waste of time" because you can't step into a generic engineering job for a large corporation and spend your days (and nights) living in a cubicle in front of a computer screen. Nope, my training has been in the traditional art of research, analysis and THINKING. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is no longer considered valuable. This is, of course, what the media tells me.
Now lets add in the fact that I am a single parent and sole financial provider for my family. Puts a bit of a burden on me because, theoretically, I should take any job that is willing to pay me the necessary dollar amount needed to fund the standard of living that my children are accustom to. To me this translates into "forget your hopes and dreams and visions of making a difference in the world, sell your soul and your happiness to the highest bidder". I have a hard time doing this. When I went back to school I was originally considering pursuing a degree in Accounting. Its a practical degree that would get me a high paying job with a corporation or possibly a lucrative private practice depending on the field and area I lived in blah blah blah... but once I started seriously considering school, I realized that if I was going to take the time, put in the effort and make the necessary sacrifices needed to complete a college degree, I was going to study something that I enjoyed. Something that got me out of bed in the morning, got my pulse racing and my mental nuts off. And I did. I LOVE my Majors. LOVE them. They inspire me so much. So it royally sucks to have my time, dedication and love of my fields be discounted by the world. What I have to offer doesn't make me a "good fit" for the types of jobs that make the big bucks. Of course the fact that I see most of those jobs as just worker bee, drone, or nameless-cog jobs makes me not a "good fit" on account of my intellectual positioning.
So what is it I want to do... well, again, woe is me who wants to jump on the sinking ship that is the American Education System. That is one route. I want to pursue my PhD and teach at the university level... but alas, that goal has been placed on hold for at least a year in lieu being unable to obtain a place in a program for this fall. My other area of interest is in some kind of social work or public service. I cannot express enough gratitude for the programs and the people who made it possible for me to return to school. Those who scoff at providing a social wage for the less fortunate should really come have a cup of coffee with me. I will give them every reason in the world to support social wages. I figure if I can use my education to give back to my country and my society for allowing me the opportunity to become one of the "educated elite" then my labor, stress and anxiety has been well worth it. Maybe I'll never make 6 figures, but I can make enough to support my children comfortably and still pursue other interests I have in life (like travel and art), and that's all anyone really needs. Of course the ultimate is to be able to contribute to the greater body of knowledge. To influence the next and future generations with the work that I have done and will do. That is a goal that I am not giving up easily.
Still... in the interim, I am a ball of nervous energy. So much to do and so little time. I still have a few options for fall programs up my sleeve and if they don't pan out then a plan for fall when the rest of the applications open again. Step by step I'm slowly building the staircase to the next level of my life. Its slow, frustrating work right now, and there are days when I want to throw in the towel and go back to hiding in corporate-drone-land, unthinking and unfeeling, but I know that ultimately I can't do that. I have too much to prove to this world and to myself. I have too much to teach my children to ever give in to life's difficult moments. I will move into the next phase of my life and be better for it because that is the ONLY option. No matter what, the sun will still rise in the morning and time will move forward. Its a painful realization some days and lord knows how much the passage of time can sting, but as I like to say:
Change is Inevitable,
Personal Growth is Optional.
I choose to grow.
