So I decided to take time out of my busy school schedule to put some thoughts down.
My colloquium (a fancy way to say "seminar") class is in US Economic History specifically focused on The Public Interest. So my professor has assigned us various readings on different topics all relating to what constitutes the "public interest".
This week our reading is on the rise of the New American Right, which for all you non-history buffs arose, largely, out of Orange County, CA in the 1960s. But this week is also the week where myself and a couple others have to bring in extra documents (specifically articles) discussing this topic as recently as today. So in reading all this literature on the New Right I find that my opinion still stands as: The ONLY position a political leader should take is a Moderate one.
This is why:
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What I've been thinking about lately...
So, I haven't written in a while and so far I haven't written much about school. Probably should, it is a very central part of my daily life. Takes up more time than anything else, save for parenting. With that said here's some food for thought:
Writing is Thinking, anything else is just Daydreaming
That was the profound statement my professor made the other day in class. I believe I have heard the first part before, "writing is thinking", but it never really hit me until he stated that. So I began thinking, er, daydreaming about it. Of course once I begin to actively apply my critical thinking skills, my brain won't shut off! I end up laying in bed contemplating the wonders and mysteries of life and the universe until some ungodly hour. So what did I decide to do?
Writing is Thinking, anything else is just Daydreaming
That was the profound statement my professor made the other day in class. I believe I have heard the first part before, "writing is thinking", but it never really hit me until he stated that. So I began thinking, er, daydreaming about it. Of course once I begin to actively apply my critical thinking skills, my brain won't shut off! I end up laying in bed contemplating the wonders and mysteries of life and the universe until some ungodly hour. So what did I decide to do?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Relationships
Been thinking a lot about relationships lately... So this is just some of my random thought process in words. Why? Because its a fascinating subject. One that is both very personal and very general at the same time. So much "relationship advice" can cover the majority of relationships. Communicate. Be Honest. Give and Take Equally. Be Good to Each Other. And so on and so forth, and its advice applicable across the board whether a romantic bond, a friendship, a familial association, many have the same kind of traits and same kind of rules. But the one that fascinates me the most, as it probably does most people, is the romantic one.
I just marvel at the extent of people to "need" another person. To feel needed, to feel wanted. So much so that you see expressions of desire to points where its either super disgusting or ridiculously pathetic. Teenagers seem to demonstrate both these things far exaggeratedly, especially on Facebook with their lamenting words like: "Oh I can't stop thinking of you. I NEED you.", "I can't live without you I miss you so much", etc... I just wonder at where this need, this desire comes from to have someone there. Why do we feel it? Because we all do, some of us more than others. But, my big question is: is it really necessary? Do we really need to have someone to "complete" us? Can't we be complete on our own? Wouldn't that be better anyway?
I just marvel at the extent of people to "need" another person. To feel needed, to feel wanted. So much so that you see expressions of desire to points where its either super disgusting or ridiculously pathetic. Teenagers seem to demonstrate both these things far exaggeratedly, especially on Facebook with their lamenting words like: "Oh I can't stop thinking of you. I NEED you.", "I can't live without you I miss you so much", etc... I just wonder at where this need, this desire comes from to have someone there. Why do we feel it? Because we all do, some of us more than others. But, my big question is: is it really necessary? Do we really need to have someone to "complete" us? Can't we be complete on our own? Wouldn't that be better anyway?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Self-Esteem and Body Image
We live in a very individualistic culture and because of that how we see ourselves is very important. Self-esteem and body image are both things that many people obsess over, and as much as I try to deny it, I do too. As kids we don't really think about ourselves in the same way as we do as teenagers and adults. For example as a kid, my biggest concerns were that I didn't get to have name brand stuff like many of my school mates or that I wasn't growing boobs by the 5th or 6th grade like other girls. Then as a teen I was a teeny-tiny 100lb thing, I could eat enough for 4 people and not gain a pound, my clothes were so small that a friend once referred to them as "doll clothes", and I was continually being told how cute and little I was. And I took all the positive for granted. For me I was never good enough, never "hot enough", didn't have the flattest abs or best physique. Boys didn't like me like they did other girls. My nose was too big. My chest was too small. My hair wasn't pretty enough... and on and on and on. Superficial and ridiculous. But have I really changed all that much as an adult?
Probably not.
Probably not.
Monday, April 25, 2011
From Jail to Forgiveness: A Year in Review
For most people April 23rd is just another spring day, but for me, this year, it marked the end to a very challenging and life changing year. By writing this down it is my intent to finally close the book on this chapter of my life, I have spent enough of my time dealing with the issues of this last year and it now the time has come to go forward. I must cry my final tears of grief over this situation and put it neatly away on the bookshelf of my life.
If you have ever been accused of something you didn't do and had punishment inflicted on you for it, then you can understand what I'm about to relate. After years of trying to make a relationship work that just wasn't meant to work, my ex-husband and I decided to separate towards the end of 2009. Because of economic reasons we had decided to stay living together until we could figure things out. It was my thought, and plan, that come the end of the school year for both he and I and our daughter that we would finally move apart. In the interim he and I distanced ourselves from each other's lives. It was a difficult thing to do since we still had to live with each other and have so much history together; but after years of tolerating many things I didn't agree with, I knew that it was the right choice. So did he. This was something I believed to be a mutual agreement between us. When I started spending more time away from home because that was where he was, he supported it. Told me that it helped him to better "deal with me", and in fact it did make life easier. Looking back now I should have moved out as soon as possible, should not have let fear dictate my life. But I did, and I told myself over and over again as the warning signs surfaced that "it would be fine" that we "had an agreement" that it would "all blow over". At the time I didn't realize that there was something coming, I was clueless. And why wouldn't I be? When we decided that it was time to end our relationship it was with the the intent to remain friends and parent together as we always had. Despite our differences and our troubles this was still the person I trusted most in the world. I may not have liked him very much at times, but still, after 7+ years and 2 children I trusted him. That was until the night of April 23, 2010.
If you have ever been accused of something you didn't do and had punishment inflicted on you for it, then you can understand what I'm about to relate. After years of trying to make a relationship work that just wasn't meant to work, my ex-husband and I decided to separate towards the end of 2009. Because of economic reasons we had decided to stay living together until we could figure things out. It was my thought, and plan, that come the end of the school year for both he and I and our daughter that we would finally move apart. In the interim he and I distanced ourselves from each other's lives. It was a difficult thing to do since we still had to live with each other and have so much history together; but after years of tolerating many things I didn't agree with, I knew that it was the right choice. So did he. This was something I believed to be a mutual agreement between us. When I started spending more time away from home because that was where he was, he supported it. Told me that it helped him to better "deal with me", and in fact it did make life easier. Looking back now I should have moved out as soon as possible, should not have let fear dictate my life. But I did, and I told myself over and over again as the warning signs surfaced that "it would be fine" that we "had an agreement" that it would "all blow over". At the time I didn't realize that there was something coming, I was clueless. And why wouldn't I be? When we decided that it was time to end our relationship it was with the the intent to remain friends and parent together as we always had. Despite our differences and our troubles this was still the person I trusted most in the world. I may not have liked him very much at times, but still, after 7+ years and 2 children I trusted him. That was until the night of April 23, 2010.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Not just another face in the crowd...
That is my hope. I've never wanted to be just another person, just another face in the crowd. I've always wanted to be more than "average", yet as I grow older I wonder if I will ever attain that goal. I have a favorite quote that makes me contemplate this, its a Spanish Proverb that says:
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived."
And I think about that and try to see how and where I am afraid and why that is so. I think that many people, maybe even most people, are afraid of their own potential. Perhaps it is human nature that drives us to stay within our comfort zones. We all have them and we all cater to them at one time or another.
Still... the drive to not just be a "regular Joe" makes me feel... uneasy. I look at my life and its a good life. Sure I'm not rich, sure there are many things that I need (ie. a car!) or would change if I could, but overall I think I have it pretty good. Why is that? A lot of it depends on my perspective. I look at everything from a positive point of view. I give my parents full credit for instilling the power of positive thinking in me. And what a power it is! To the point where I've had people try to insult me with statements like "you can find the silver-lining in anything" or "you're so positive its unrealistic". Insults? I think not.
But, on my weak days, which I have like anyone, I feel the stress of what my life is:
I'm a single parent. I am a full-time single parent. I'm a full-time student. I have an ex-husband who betrayed me in the worst way. I'm a New York transplant to San Diego with very little family here. I am so busy most of the time that I find it hard to maintain any close friendships or create new ones and therefore feel a lack of a support network that I have enjoyed at other times in my life. I'm poor. My credit is (currently) ruined. I struggle with body-image issues and self-discipline. I'm lonely. I often times feel that I have no support system. I've been through lay-offs, unemployment, welfare, repossession, jail, legal battles, marriage and divorce all within the last 3 years. Lots of times I fluctuate between feelings of lonesomeness, stress, fear and total helplessness. And as graduation comes ever nearer I struggle with questions of what will I do, where will I go and where do I belong in this world?
But...
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived."
And I think about that and try to see how and where I am afraid and why that is so. I think that many people, maybe even most people, are afraid of their own potential. Perhaps it is human nature that drives us to stay within our comfort zones. We all have them and we all cater to them at one time or another.
Still... the drive to not just be a "regular Joe" makes me feel... uneasy. I look at my life and its a good life. Sure I'm not rich, sure there are many things that I need (ie. a car!) or would change if I could, but overall I think I have it pretty good. Why is that? A lot of it depends on my perspective. I look at everything from a positive point of view. I give my parents full credit for instilling the power of positive thinking in me. And what a power it is! To the point where I've had people try to insult me with statements like "you can find the silver-lining in anything" or "you're so positive its unrealistic". Insults? I think not.
But, on my weak days, which I have like anyone, I feel the stress of what my life is:
I'm a single parent. I am a full-time single parent. I'm a full-time student. I have an ex-husband who betrayed me in the worst way. I'm a New York transplant to San Diego with very little family here. I am so busy most of the time that I find it hard to maintain any close friendships or create new ones and therefore feel a lack of a support network that I have enjoyed at other times in my life. I'm poor. My credit is (currently) ruined. I struggle with body-image issues and self-discipline. I'm lonely. I often times feel that I have no support system. I've been through lay-offs, unemployment, welfare, repossession, jail, legal battles, marriage and divorce all within the last 3 years. Lots of times I fluctuate between feelings of lonesomeness, stress, fear and total helplessness. And as graduation comes ever nearer I struggle with questions of what will I do, where will I go and where do I belong in this world?
But...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Memories...
Its funny what the human mind is capable of, especially in the memory department. How even years later you can still recall a certain smell, taste or feel of something. What is odd, to me at least, are the things we remember. That we still remember the bad along with the good, that smells are the things that jog memories the most, and how at the strangest times a memory will come flooding back completely unexpected.
Over the last month or so I have had a drudging up of some memories that aren't particularly old but are significant. April will mark one year since my life changed abruptly and I'm finding now that as I near that date I am reliving some of those experiences again through memory. My understanding of this is that I never really let myself think about or feel what had happened. In a sense I guess I shut down and did what I had to do in order to get through it. Now that its been almost a year I'm finding that I'm ready to process the information and move past it. I think that this process or need for processing is why I've had some crazy apocalyptic dreams lately. The emotional and stressful under-current is finally surfacing and forcing me to deal with it subconsciously as well as in real time. Crazy dreams of monster tsunamis that I can't run from, or ambiguous earthquakes with really bright colors, or ominous characters that bring a sense of foreboding that carries into my waking hours. Every time I have one of these dreams it takes me a while to shake it off, and couple I haven't been able to shake off yet. Its apparent to me that my psyche is telling me that there is something I need to deal with. Often its not so much the images my mind is creating but the feelings being generated. Feelings of fear, doubt, uncertainty, helplessness and aloneness. Considering this past year it all makes sense, and now is the time to "deal with it".
In fact the need to "deal with it" is part of why I decided to write this blog. The other part is to get my story out there, relate my struggles, my experiences. From what I've learned and dealt with in my life, its many joys and challenges, it's my hope that by telling my story others can find the strength, support and inspiration to do what they need to do in their lives.
So anyway... its late and I must sleep, but I will continue with "the story" soon.
Over the last month or so I have had a drudging up of some memories that aren't particularly old but are significant. April will mark one year since my life changed abruptly and I'm finding now that as I near that date I am reliving some of those experiences again through memory. My understanding of this is that I never really let myself think about or feel what had happened. In a sense I guess I shut down and did what I had to do in order to get through it. Now that its been almost a year I'm finding that I'm ready to process the information and move past it. I think that this process or need for processing is why I've had some crazy apocalyptic dreams lately. The emotional and stressful under-current is finally surfacing and forcing me to deal with it subconsciously as well as in real time. Crazy dreams of monster tsunamis that I can't run from, or ambiguous earthquakes with really bright colors, or ominous characters that bring a sense of foreboding that carries into my waking hours. Every time I have one of these dreams it takes me a while to shake it off, and couple I haven't been able to shake off yet. Its apparent to me that my psyche is telling me that there is something I need to deal with. Often its not so much the images my mind is creating but the feelings being generated. Feelings of fear, doubt, uncertainty, helplessness and aloneness. Considering this past year it all makes sense, and now is the time to "deal with it".
In fact the need to "deal with it" is part of why I decided to write this blog. The other part is to get my story out there, relate my struggles, my experiences. From what I've learned and dealt with in my life, its many joys and challenges, it's my hope that by telling my story others can find the strength, support and inspiration to do what they need to do in their lives.
So anyway... its late and I must sleep, but I will continue with "the story" soon.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Spring Break...
So as of Friday late morning I am officially on Spring Break! Which is a relief on one hand but not on others.
Since UCSD is on a quarter system, when I return to school on March 28th it will be to start a whole new slew of classes. Which is good just because I'm not trying to remember where I left off before break, like with a semester system, but it only gives me one week to decompress from this past quarter. Still, I'm looking forward to my new classes. Weighing heavily in History this time around, since I'm trying to wrap up my requirements for my History major as quickly as I can. Adding the double-major adds to my course load, and since I didn't prepare for a Sociology major I now have to take "extra" classes to make sure that I meet that department's graduation requirements. Plus I have to reach a certain number of upper division units for my college, so again everything I do from here on out is threefold when it comes to graduation requirements. But as a whole I'm looking forward to new quarter.
One of the downsides to my break is that my daughter still has school this week since her Spring Break isn't for another couple weeks. This year breaks just did not line up. So there goes my mornings of sleeping in. Not that I really get to sleep in, come 8am usually both my kids are coming in asking for breakfast or for me to break up some argument they have already started. I swear, the bickering that goes on between those two is payback for the hard time my brother and I gave my mom with our bickering. I guess I can just relish the thought that when they have kids of their own they will get their comeuppance.... but I digress. My son will be home with me for the week too, which isn't a bad thing just takes more planning on my part to get things done. The world does not stop and definitely doesn't let me veg out for a week.
So lots to do this week. Things to catch-up on and other things to get in order for the new quarter. Back to the gym starting Monday, and back onto a restricted calorie diet for me. Beach season is coming and some of us want to wear their bikinis with pride! :) My hope is to get to blog a little more this week too since there have been things weighing on my mind recently that I want to share. Apparently my subconscious thinks so too since I have been having some insane dreams lately. Some where between stress dreams and apocalyptic ones. Whatever they are it tells me that I have a lot more on my mind than I usually let myself worry about. It makes sense though, almost a year has past since my life changed suddenly and dramatically. But more on that later... after all I want you all to return again.
Since UCSD is on a quarter system, when I return to school on March 28th it will be to start a whole new slew of classes. Which is good just because I'm not trying to remember where I left off before break, like with a semester system, but it only gives me one week to decompress from this past quarter. Still, I'm looking forward to my new classes. Weighing heavily in History this time around, since I'm trying to wrap up my requirements for my History major as quickly as I can. Adding the double-major adds to my course load, and since I didn't prepare for a Sociology major I now have to take "extra" classes to make sure that I meet that department's graduation requirements. Plus I have to reach a certain number of upper division units for my college, so again everything I do from here on out is threefold when it comes to graduation requirements. But as a whole I'm looking forward to new quarter.
One of the downsides to my break is that my daughter still has school this week since her Spring Break isn't for another couple weeks. This year breaks just did not line up. So there goes my mornings of sleeping in. Not that I really get to sleep in, come 8am usually both my kids are coming in asking for breakfast or for me to break up some argument they have already started. I swear, the bickering that goes on between those two is payback for the hard time my brother and I gave my mom with our bickering. I guess I can just relish the thought that when they have kids of their own they will get their comeuppance.... but I digress. My son will be home with me for the week too, which isn't a bad thing just takes more planning on my part to get things done. The world does not stop and definitely doesn't let me veg out for a week.
So lots to do this week. Things to catch-up on and other things to get in order for the new quarter. Back to the gym starting Monday, and back onto a restricted calorie diet for me. Beach season is coming and some of us want to wear their bikinis with pride! :) My hope is to get to blog a little more this week too since there have been things weighing on my mind recently that I want to share. Apparently my subconscious thinks so too since I have been having some insane dreams lately. Some where between stress dreams and apocalyptic ones. Whatever they are it tells me that I have a lot more on my mind than I usually let myself worry about. It makes sense though, almost a year has past since my life changed suddenly and dramatically. But more on that later... after all I want you all to return again.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Why the title...
Well, because... that's my life.
Cupcakes: My latest passion. I've always had a knack for baking, and I've also always been pretty creative artistically so the current cupcake craze is a natural extension of my abilities. Baking has lately served a dual role: as a creative outlet and as a way to de-stress or detox from daily life. Currently I'm looking to turn my hobby into something a little more lucrative, but more on that as it progresses.
Cupcakes: My latest passion. I've always had a knack for baking, and I've also always been pretty creative artistically so the current cupcake craze is a natural extension of my abilities. Baking has lately served a dual role: as a creative outlet and as a way to de-stress or detox from daily life. Currently I'm looking to turn my hobby into something a little more lucrative, but more on that as it progresses.
(Red Velvet Cupcakes)
Kids: I'm a mom and like every mom I have the greatest kids on the planet! But really, mine are pretty great. This last year has taken us from a family of 4 - Mom, Dad, and 2 Kids, down to a family of 3 - Mom and Kids. For as much as I have dealt with in the end of my relationship with my kids' dad, I don't think it is comparable to what they went through. Thankfully the are still young (5 and 6) and are resilient! As any parent can tell you, raising kids is one of the hardest jobs in the world. As any single parent can tell you, it's the hardest job in the world since you are doing the work of two people. I can say that I would much rather have a partner in parenting, but currently that is not to be. Still, being kids, they are the best compass as to how I am doing. They are happy, healthy, and achieving new things every day.
I am proud of my kids and the little people they are becoming. Both of them are incredibly smart and have great senses of humor. Truly their mother's children! I am so lucky to have two little people in my life that are so loving and caring. There is nothing like hearing your child say "Mommy, I love you". No matter what has happened in your day or how upset you maybe at them for making a mess in the bathroom, those words just melt your heart.
"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother."
-- Lin Yutang
-- Lin Yutang
College: If being a mom is moonlighting then school is my day job. Or maybe it's the other way around. Three years ago I was laid off from a reasonably good job with Intuit. At the time it seemed a horrible thing to have happen. But after a lot of thinking, soul searching and something I equate to a "quarter-life" crisis, I decided that I needed to go back to school and that losing my job wasn't the end of the world but a new beginning. By furthering my education I would improve my hire-ability and make myself more valuable as an employee.
It was a tough road to go from being a breadwinner making decent money to being on a "starving" student's income while still having to support a family. Looking back I have some bitterness regarding that time in my life. My then husband had been a stay-at-home dad for the years that I worked and after losing my job I had hoped that he would step-up and get some kind of job. But he didn't, and instead hopped on my band-wagon to college. It was a rough road but like most things I have had to deal with in my life, I struggle, I learn, and I find a balance. I found that balance and successfully completed two years in community college and successfully transferred to UCSD this year.
My life is much different now than when I returned to school. My focus in my education has change as well. I started out thinking I would get my degree in accounting, but quickly abandoned that idea when I realized that I needed to do what I felt passionate about because in the long run that will be a bigger pay-off. I started college as a History major and I am still a History major, but now I have found another passion in the subject of Sociology and am currently having the paper work processed to take on a double-major. And if that isn't enough of a load, I have elected to do this double-major in the same amount of time I had allotted for the regular Major/Minor path.
But, even though I push myself in school to go beyond what is expected, I refuse to kill myself over a grade. I know that what comes first are my kids, providing them with a secure future and my sanity. So if I have a big test on a Friday and its 11pm on Thursday, I will be putting down my books and going to bed because, unlike many of my classmates, I have two other people who depend on me. Maybe I don't get an A++ in that class, but I'm still a good student with good grades and I know that I am good enough and smart enough to get what I want out of life.
Ultimately my life comes down to a balance. A balance between my responsibilities and my joys. Balance isn't always easy to achieve or to maintain, but life is not an easy road, so why should the things in it be any different?
Where to begin...
I have been considering trying my hand at blogging, again, for some time now. Continually I've dismissed the idea for various reasons. I don't have the time. What would I write? I don't have anything interesting to say. And the big one, do we really need another blog out there where the most commonly used word is "I"? But, obviously, I gave in so here I am.
The last year of my life has been insanely crazy! Really. Crazy. But, I have been fortunate enough to come out on the other side a stronger and better person and for that I consider myself blessed. In talking with a friend about life and its quirks, she told me "you are an inspiration". Inspiration? Me? Hardly something I would say about myself. I consider myself a good person, a good friend, good sister, daughter, mother, student, significant other, listener and any other hat I may put on during any given day, but I certainly don't consider myself an inspiration. But those words made me think. If what I've learned and experienced can be viewed as inspirational then, maybe, I have cause to share my journey and experiences with others. For all the help and blessings I've received in my life I'd like to give back in what way I can. So perhaps in my words someone out there will find inspiration, comfort, motivation or just something to relate to.
So now, without further ado I christen this blog page with this very first post.
The last year of my life has been insanely crazy! Really. Crazy. But, I have been fortunate enough to come out on the other side a stronger and better person and for that I consider myself blessed. In talking with a friend about life and its quirks, she told me "you are an inspiration". Inspiration? Me? Hardly something I would say about myself. I consider myself a good person, a good friend, good sister, daughter, mother, student, significant other, listener and any other hat I may put on during any given day, but I certainly don't consider myself an inspiration. But those words made me think. If what I've learned and experienced can be viewed as inspirational then, maybe, I have cause to share my journey and experiences with others. For all the help and blessings I've received in my life I'd like to give back in what way I can. So perhaps in my words someone out there will find inspiration, comfort, motivation or just something to relate to.
So now, without further ado I christen this blog page with this very first post.
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